Lyrics
Every day that drifts by without gripping a die
It’s an X on my cal and I’ll tell you why
I got stacks of character sheets and the stats are really sweet
my homie asked if i wanted to meet
some lovely ladies at the bar for a drink
I had to stop and think, ahumm
Is this my kind of activity?
Will this encounter gain me XP?
Rollin’
I’m not talking Mary Jane spliffs
Listen up bitch I roll critical hits.
I’d rather be rolling
I’m not cruising in a hot ride
I drop plenty heat with polyhedron die
I’d rather be rolling
But not the ten pin kind
I bowl ropers down and make they rocky asses mine
I’d rather be rolling
My party crawls mad deep
I love my dice so much they in my hand when I sleep
Roll out the dough, I love pizza and scones.
I prefer rollin’ bones and playing retro clones.
Pastry chefs bring croissants and tarts
but my heart’s in game mechanics, tables & charts
Fine dining and eating rare steaks
don’t compare to killing kings and riding fire drakes
I know you mean well in bringing me here
but I’d rather roll saves than drink craft beer
Rollin’
I’m not talking Mary Jane spliffs
Listen up bitch I roll critical hits.
I’d rather be rolling
I’m not cruising in a hot ride
I drop plenty heat with polyhedron die
I’d rather be rolling
But not the ten pin kind
I bowl ropers down and make they rocky asses mine
I’d rather be rolling
My party crawls mad deep
I love my dice so much they in my hand when I sleep
New movies out tonight the ladies are going
Ryan Goslings new romantic comedy is showin’
but i’m blowin them off, straight ignorin’ they scoff,
cause the DM’s taking the group to castle Ravenloft,
home girls suggestin’ mid-movie neckin, I’m emoji textin’ a shrug
I prefer to battle strahd, I could kill some popcorn,
but I’ll kill dark lords and maybe a demi god.
Rollin’
I’m not talking Mary Jane spliffs
Listen up bitch I roll critical hits.
I’d rather be rolling
I’m not cruising in a hot ride
I drop plenty heat with polyhedron die
I’d rather be rolling
But not the ten pin kind
I bowl ropers down and make they rocky asses mine
I’d rather be rolling
My party crawls mad deep
I love my dice so much they in my hand when I sleep
We roll hard on the battlemat, magic and combat,
while you battle rap inside your mom’s laundromat
The Rolling Stones can’t roll with us, please,
We stab Jagger with a dagger and kick Keith in his teeth.
Rollin’ down the street in my six-four?
naw I’d rather roll dice and kill a cave troll
d6 and d4 is what I seize
We escaped the nine hells to DM and MC
Rollin’
I’m not talking Mary Jane spliffs
Listen up bitch I roll critical hits.
I’d rather be rolling
I’m not cruising in a hot ride
I drop plenty heat with polyhedron die
I’d rather be rolling
But not the ten pin kind
I bowl ropers down and make they rocky asses mine
I’d rather be rolling
My party crawls mad deep
I love my dice so much they in my hand when I sleep
Yo Dragon Warrior
What up Tiger Wizard?
Let’s get geared up for this shit.
Fuck yeah
You know how we do
Always.
First thing everyday I prepare my list
bristling silos full of missiles that always hit
Level one spell slots don’t mean a thing to me
because everythings empowered meta magic ain’t free
I spent my GP on these Vecna pieces
with a hand around my neck my ring game increases
I’m the OG, OP mage of your dreams
and my O T T O make you dance till you scream.
It’s irresistible.
Yo, check out my man, Dragon Warrior
Pick up the whetstone and sharpen the blade.
If we don’t start murdering we don’t get paid.
Lace up my boots of swiftness, never listless
clearing dungeon halls, never leave a witness
Place my helm of brilliance upon my head
flaming weapons turn the battlefield bloody red
Dragonscale on my bracers of relentless might
I’ll destroy an army, I’m the tank in every fight
Kill em all and let other gods sort them out
Shit, you know any good wizards? You know anybody?
What up Tiger Wizard!
Mordankainan and Bigby auto dial on my cell
but I only call lightning ring the doorbell to hell
I spit fireballs twice as big as your home
a wizard smoked you out we get ioun stoned
I’m decked out with many things dealing shuffled bones
and when your card is pulled we savoring the groans
I’m the coldest of cones my pointed hat is so icy
Misty step off son before Dragon Warrior gets knifey
He’s gonna cut you
I slit throats like its going outta style.
But it ain’t
Yo bring the heat on this one son!
Always
I know you do
Vorpal blade, martial forms go snicker-snack
Fill the slaying arrows, quill on my back
Returning throwing axes line my hips
My disciples touch their living God, prayer on their lips
Grab the spear I stole from Odin, the hammer of Thor
Reveal the yellow sign I took from Hastur
Tiger Wizard gives me haste, and strength of the bull
We burst into the tavern. Barkeep make my cup full
Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or subterranean dwelling?
Have you or any of your family ever seen a ratfolk, hook horror or Svirfneblin?
If the answer is yes, then don’t wait another minute. Go to a forest glade, put two drops of frog’s blood on a lily pad, wait for a pixie to form and call the professionals by reciting the power words…
Underdark Exterminators!
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call twenty-four hours a day to serve all your underworld elimination needs.
We’re ready to kill for you!
You got a problem below I’m bringing relief
I’ll throw an elbow at any drow noble chief
These pc’s swarmin on your cave like bees
Set some gp bait they like rats to cheese
Snap goes the trap and they dispatched with ease
Murder underground for some reasonable fees
Xorn with a glock or deep cave cloaker
I’ll take them all down like tupac shakur
No one in this cave is strong enough to scare me
We’ll wipe out a spider throng so you can live carefree
I’m a cunning killing fox, and my tools are no gimmick
Replace the demon queens jewelry box with a mimic
Aw shit direct hit a puff of smoke and that was it
Clean the blood of my blade with a lil bit of spit
I’m not debating cost priceline negotiator
Payment up front for Underdark Exterminator
Listen up lads we’re here cause you called
Underdark exterminators kill everything that crawls
Sometimes with two legs like duergar and drow
Order now and get this free logo towel
We move into the darkness, sun rods lit
Gnomish vacuum sucks up vampiric mist
Punching Gricks with pneumatic fists
Talk to any pixie to join our mailing list
We tie tentacle knots in illithid faces
mass genocide of monstrous races
salt green slimes, black pudding bakin’
Think anyone’s better? You’re mistaken
You don’t need a maid to do these chores
Pestered by tentamort or gas spores?
We kill the horrors beneath your floor boards
Underdark Exterminators
Half price deals for plucking Lolth’s legs off
Only ten chests of gold and the deed to ravenloft
Zombie problems with a yellow musk creeper?
Hiring UEs has never been cheaper
Clearing cobwebs like a real sweet sweeper
Every spider that sees us has just seen the grim reaper
Morlock stink giving you a bad cough?
Found a cult of Yog-sothoth?
Call your friendly poison facilitators
Underdark Exterminators
Umber Hulk tunnel invading your larder?
Dial our toll free number. No move has been smarter
Are your cavern tubes splattered with guts like lube?
If you act now we’ll rent you our gelatinous cube
Slimy grimy oozes bounce like boobs on youtube
Head smack like men in black on Tony Shalhoub
Sure we give discounts, we’re not afraid to barter
If we keep all the loot we carouse that much harder
So when you spy a half shark half alligator
only one call, Underdark Exterminators
Bold fomorian soldier I’m like a can of raid
I turn a cold shoulder as they smolder and get paid
Got gremlins fuxing with your vents and ducts?
You know who to call when your out of luck
Don’t be a schmuck and let these rude ropers run amok
Our attack is a prelude to a monster meat potluck
Are your children afraid of Undead shadows and shades?
Fear not. We have an arsenal of holy hand grenades
In your phone book earmark us for later
When the scum shows up Underdark Exterminators
Kings of killing, no monarch greater
Rely on the Underdark Exterminators
Welcome to the league of killers with hidden faces
Unseen even when hidden in obvious spaces
Extra d6 from our mortal embraces
Precision killin no clues and no traces
Every marks erased dead, and nothings wasted
Make garrotes from your fuckin shoe laces
All the stealthy races, unlisted databases
When asked where we come from… lots of different places
18 seconds to find your weakness
Shadow step up behind take ya last breath
Smooth knife moves due to dagger finnesse
Ninja assassins run this murder business
We massacre villages with toxic nerf guns
The shogun of the dark, stealth murders one-on-one
L5R secret armies of Rokugan
Slit a lions throat, my clan is Scorpion
Backstab multipliers in the double digits
HP bleeding out of punk ass snitches
Poison hexes from shinobi witches
We take orders from ancient Shinto liches
Ninjas want to kill me
Underneath my bed
Ninjas want to kill me
Slice off my head
Yo!
Strength I don’t flex got my wisdom and dex
I’m the sneaky shogun killer that nobody detects
Walking nightingale floors with the weight of insects
Dead bodies in the morning leave the guards perplexed
Kunai and shuriken are the tools of my trade
Katana take you out with a razor sharp blade
And if i’m in a pickle and they tryin’ bring the drama
Then they get the chain and sickle that’s my kusari gama
So if you got beef with a crooked official
Don’t turn to the wizard with that weak ass magic missile
The situation calls for some undercover slashin’
You need the kill skills of a ninja assassin
Ninjas want to kill me
Underneath my bed
Ninjas want to kill me
Slice off my head
Have my munchkin checklist and elvenkind boots
I can see it in his eyes, DM wants me dead
A lawyer of rules, twisting words that he said
Escaped whirlpools, Charybdis and kraken
Gaining XP through slashin’ & hackin’
Sure, I bust into goblin tribes
I kick down doors and murder their wives
But a white dragon is a little bit different
Did no planning, I rush in all belligerent
I’m turned to ice, my reflexes slowed
I’m failed by the dice and my airship explodes
Fall through the sky gonna lose ten levels
Time to say goodbye I’m about to meet the devil
I shatter into pieces as I strike the ground
Life suddenly ceases, my final combat round
DM killed my character today
Tore up my sheet while my friends all get to play
I hide my tears, my grief remains unseen
I hear evil laughter from behind the DM screen
Starting with stacked stats I rolled three 16s
Half orc level one with strength 18
Takes no shit full plate legit
Plus my great swords large 3d6 and keen
Amazing min max muscle murder machine
By level four I’m a beefcake like you’ve never seen
Hard boiled body oiled orc ladies like cobras coiled
To spring on my lean mean slightly tinted green thing
But I keep my armor on I’ve got no time to don
Four minute wait for full plate c’mon
I get into battle hastily if you’re smart you cast haste on me
Plus my dex is so high my initiative is crazy
My sword point break your bones like Swayze
I bask in the blood as I complete my final slash
Is there a battle in this realm that can pose a real task?
DM says since you ask, well here’s the tarrasque
DM killed my character today
Tore up my sheet while my friends all get to play
I hide my tears, my grief remains unseen
I hear evil laughter from behind the DM screen
I rolled a critical fail in the final boss fight
DM pushed me off a rail and impaled me on a pike
I asked for a death save but DM just shook his head
Lights out unlucky loser you’re 100 percent dead
Back in the OSR taking on Stonehell
First level characters, one by one they fell
Poison gases, killing all the classes
Fighters and clerics sacrificed in Black Masses
My half giant monk was trying to do the right thing
Against slaver guards with morals quite frightening
DM says it makes sense, so nobody questions
Abandoned by the party executed between sessions
Sometimes it’s me on a PC murder spree
Even if you rest I’ll kill you in your sleep
Living statues punch you in half
Follow every TPK with a maniacal laugh
DM killed my character today
Tore up my sheet while my friends all get to play
I hide my tears, my grief remains unseen
I hear evil laughter from behind the DM screen
Well
My undead crew gettin saucy tonight
Lickin’ myconid heads start the weekend off right
Long work week growing new phylacteries
Now we chillin in my crypt with some witches and blowin ent trees
Ray of frost freezes my bag of holding Reese’s Pieces
So i’ve got a chill snack when i get the munchies
Shards from how hard these shot glasses are clinking
But i won’t stop drinking
Wash down the red pill for some esoteric thinking
Swallow the toad I’m a psychedelic kingpin
Flying is easy but I’ve never been this high
I just soared past Lucy up in the sky
And i snagged her diamonds and then i slayed her quick
Ground up her gems and snorted that shit
The highest immortals purchase drugs with our riches
Listen up bitches we liches be trippin
We liches be trippin’ balls in goblin halls
Drink up their souls and leaving mindless thralls
Smoke PCP out of amulets of ESP
So I can enter your body and then puppeteer me
Toss back ale flagons
I buy all my pipe weed from that hobbit Bilbo Baggins
Dabs of blue fairy jizz and pixie piss
Cross this heady high off my bucket list
Death day carousel, ride this nightmare horse
Skin poppin’, pill poppin’ this illithid chorus
Chill with Skeletor gettin’ ripped on that
Eternian haberdashed hashish stash
Huffing in a handy haversack
It’ll blow your mind man. There’s no turning back
Gots a skull face, meth crystals for eyes
See the folly of man when i look into the skies
Mary Jane and Molly what a sweet sweet three way
Probably pretty lethal but I’m dead so pass the yay
When I chase the dragon he gets outta my way
Loads his gold in my wagon and wishes me a nice day
My cave has a few trolls and I harvest their warts
I pack up two bowls and teleport to Voldemort
Horcrux hoarding bitch, a real shiity lich
Passed out after two puffs
Snake can’t handle my stuff
From here it’s not far dimension hop to Midgar
I’m gonna make peyote outta a mother fucking Cactaur
Underwent the ceremony of night endless
So I can eternally view sights of pure bliss
Suck manticore face for a venomous kiss
Put his stinger in my vein as I clench my fist
Inhaling poison such is my addiction
Every D&D day we liches be trippin’
We liches be trippin’ everyday in our lair
No skin on our face, but dreadlocks for hair
Turned my phylactery into an acid sheet
We’ll eat my essence until there’s nothing left of me
I make special K out of kelpie brain
The k-hole head cavity is filled with cocaine
Undeath is a journey but life is a curse
We’ve been psychonautically reimbursed
What’s your path? I wouldn’t lead you astray
A deal with a devil or demon passion play
Lift your spirits and learn to live like us
A hippy commune dracolich magic bus
I’m an eternal wizard with potions and wands
Behold this beholder as he sings you a song
Two liches doing drugs but I don’t really care
I’m just guarding the lair. Guarding the lair
I got 360 vision but nobody’s there
I’m just guarding the lair. Guarding the lair
I got ten eyeballs and an anti-magic stare
I’m just guarding the lair. Guarding the lair
Two liches doing drugs but I don’t really care
Musky dusty horned beast so husky
Charges intruders with a rage you must see
All that sweat and all that gore
Mixed with wet fur, can’t find that in a store
But i spend my time searchin’ his maze
Baphomets the demon that’s receivin my praise
Collecting those scents, rejecting peppermints
Only the best man bull shit fits the bill i’m trying to pass
Gas from a hairy axe wielding ass
I decorated every inch of this labyrinth
It’s my feng shui that gets me laid
The pungent stank of dank virgin ladies
Knock em up, eat them up, and then eat our babies
A potpourri of terror, a bouquet of fear
A metro sexual minotaur, look over here
My toothpaste base is guts from a chaste maidens waist
Then laced with the remains of the same maidens face
Cause I love the taste
He loves the taste
Minotaur musk
Smell delicious
Only the best for us
We reek like greek under toga
Minotaur musk,
Our raps are dangerous,
Cause every rhyme we bust
Is pungent with the stank of…
Minotaur musk assault on your nasal
That smell so sweet so unforgettable
Like rancid meat up in a werewolf’s navel
I knocked all the other fragrances off the table
It every female orc that’s willing and able
Its every succubus with amazing tits
Its every naughty witch with a body like crit hits
One drop in the nose ladies dropping their clothes
Airomatic hieroglyphs
I bathe in a cave of grey ooze shampoo
Roper rock exfoliant with gelatinous cube
Foaming formian facial cream acne care
Drow noble saves to condition my hair
Prepare a paladin paste
St. Cuthburt’s bees never goes to waste
Rose petal witch hazel aloe vera hoof wax
Foxy village tributes can’t stop my mack
Or I’ll whack you with the back of my hand
Like a pimp
Minotaur musk
Smell delicious
Only the best for us
We reek like greek under toga
Minotaur musk,
Our raps are dangerous,
Cause every rhyme we bust
Is pungent with the stank of…
And even though you grovel on deck it’s not logical
Cause every ship I see to me’s a shipwreck
And zaratan to me is just a turtle neck
I’ll be the end of your life aquatic
All seven seas until they freeze is my shit
I’m eatin every orc in the pond, every dork
Is very fond of how i stick my fork in every blonde
And I gobble them up, I straight fondle the butt
Then just for good luck, I tentacled the gut
I have 20 foot mouth so I swallow shit whole
And I follow your ship and i’ll consume every soul
Funny long boats are honey bunches of oats
And the oceans my bowl, I’m a solitary sole
I never roll in a shoal never in an atol
Nor will you ever see my name scrawled in a scroll
So don’t summon me less you a sexy sorceress
I’m a colossal sized magic ship sinking fish
I’m a medieval Ahab, a seafaring nomad
Hunting leviathans for my ingredients bag
I’ll blanch the bones and I’ll smoke the skin
Served on a bed of rice, paired with riesling
I got crazy ways that I cut my filets
Slice em up, dice em up, bake em in souffles
A simple cephalopod eye puree
In a reduction sauce of Freeport cabernet
Hey, Kraken. I’m sorry. You’re nothing but calamari
Leviathan
Ruler of the ocean
Leviathan
Taste delicious – Can’t catch em
They call me the Sea Cook, a culinary gourmand
I rock the mess hall. My sous chef’s your mom
I’m the baker of truth. Primo seafood sleuth
The bigger the steak the more waves I make
Evaporate the great lakes for my sea monster cake
Dirty dreamboats dine on elderberry fine wine
I’m a dietary duke, Devil fish you’re mine
You’ll whine and cry
as I pry the brains out your eye
for my sea serpent pie
cause you can’t defend against industrious men
Tater tot tentacle squid sauce on rye
Come on Levi, What you gonna do then?
You know, like Leviathan
Oh my god! Here it is now
I load up the spoon harpoon and fire it on down
Tentacles are everywhere tearing up the ship
Cutting off suckers for a dire seafood dip
We’re taking on water, half the crew is dead
I dive from the tipping mast onto the beast’s head
I wrestle open its beak, force feed it leeks
Some almonds & milk to put it to sleep
Smells delicious and kinda lost my grip
Fell into its maw and into the abyss
Terrorizing oceans for decades
I move with the groove your armada is razed
Carp, shark and tripe all admire and praise
Even as I wipe my ass with manta rays
So who’s the big boss of the sea
Every giant squid as it grows knows that it’s me
Event Nessy locked up and went pee
King Triton’s fightin’ Poseidon
I’m like right on
Swim up and get my bite on
All hail leviathan
Leviathan
Ruler of the ocean
Leviathan
Taste delicious – Can’t catch em
Bree-yark
Stab Snacker
Bree-yark
Dark vision 60 feet
Bree-yark
Great Gun Ripper
Bree-yark
Plus ten land speed
Goblin Warriors roll 500 deep
Gonna kill your sheep and then I’ll wrap your sheep
My dog cutter slit the throat of Wolfmother
When I roll up on my warg all the girlies’ hearts flutter
They crack our armor then they bust our heads
Until our necro shaman raised an undead Judge Dread
I am the law. Yeah whatever he said
Plus we’re Bloodcrazed harbingers of all things inbred
Our hills have eyes and their bloodshot red
Goat licker
Bree-yark
Swamp Stomper
Bree-yark,
Chaotic Evil
Bree-yark,
Glob Clocker
Bree-yark,
Three foot and lethal
Arson birthright we destroy the keep
Balloon bomb brigade blowin up the street
Sneakin kids out while the nanny is asleep
Hey let’s go back nanny looks good to eat
My little green goblin deep in spiderman’s honey
When my pumpkin bombs explode in her face it’s money
I’m gonna breed on you M.J.
Cause that the way that the Osbournes…
Spiderman! Duck!
Bree-yark
Toe Bumper
Bree-yark
Plus four stealth
Bree-yark
Man Cooker
Bree-yark
Limited Health
We’re running money scams at the wizard bank
Gringotts is too big to fail. It’s the financial tank
Muggle mass murder. Let the humans hang
This is Goblin Town bitch. Just ask Cho Chang
I’m a Ghosts ‘n Goblins side-scroll samurai
Take Princess Prin Prin and I take your two life
Deliver her to satan, underworld alibi
We’re Ghosts ‘n Goblins bitch. Why even try?
I’m The Goblin King making babies cry
Dance magic dance, I’ll flay your mind
13 o’clock goblin time
My diabolic labyrinthian lies
Bree-yark
Moon Slaver
Bree-yark
Orcs little brothers
Bree-yark
Dog Chomper
Bree-yark
Terrible lovers
C’mon everybody roll up yer stats
Bring me a beer I trade XP for snacks
Yo, take a walk with me through the DMG
And get Steve those snacks, he’s fucking hungry!
Tools of the trade d6 for days
Never underestimate save or die raids
Pen and paper miniature war games
Mind flayer on your skull sucking your brains
PCs dodging A.O.E. DCs
Min max munchkin multi-class with ease
Yeah, I break the bank on my ability scores
Dump stat DEX, ah shit moving floors
Race as class, elf and dwarf
Now they’re all friends, thanks polymorph!
I’ll grow up to be a fighting man
Or a cleric or a wizard with a magic missile hand
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Masters Guide
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Masters guide
Glass cannon, sleep spell spamming,
pestilence, death, me and famine
Thieves and assassins, true OG bandit
Law, nah chaos that’s how we planned it
I’m gonna plane all my mithral in gold
Gaming everyday till we grow too old
2000 coppers and 1000 dead rats
Gems and jewels and fancy magic hats
Henchmen, hirelings red shirts beware
Testing loyalty with traps and snares
Dying Earth, Vancian spell slots
Arcane haves or divine have-nots
Illusions permeate underground kids
Dark druids dance on the grave of El Cid
Wilderness survival then undead hordes
The gygax game is played with no boards
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Masters Guide
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Master
Who’s your master?
Dungeon Masters Guide